How to Be Comfortable Around Strangers

Feeling uncomfortable being around people? Can't stop being nervous? Weird conversations, shaky hands, and being unable to look someone in the eye are all parts of feeling uncomfortable around strangers. It's totally normal to be nervous around new people, but it doesn’t have to be.

Part 1

Part 1 of 3:

Opening a Conversation

1
Make a move. Sometimes the hardest part is breaking the ice; then the rest is smooth sailing. For example, attempt to shake someone’s hand first, say hello to someone first, or go up to someone and introduce yourself.
- It’s normal to fear approaching someone you don’t know because you may bother him or her. However, people tend to enjoy talking with strangers, both the person initiating conversations and the person being approached.^{[1]XResearch source} You may make someone’s day!
2
Smile. Smiling helps break any tension between you and the person you're talking to. Smiling with a twinkle in your eye allows you to appear open and welcoming.^{[2]XResearch source} When you feel tense or nervous, smile and tell yourself it’ll be okay.
- Don't forget, the person you’re speaking with may be nervous like you. Smiling can make both you and the person you’re talking to feel more at ease.
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3
Introduce yourself. While going up to someone on the subway and introducing yourself may be a bit odd, introducing yourself to someone at a party, business or networking event is completely appropriate. When you introduce yourself, give a little information about yourself that is context-appropriate. For instance, if you’re at a party, introduce yourself and say who you know. If you’re at a business or networking event, introduce yourself and say what company/specialty you are associated.
- To strangers or friends of friends at a social function, say, “Hi, I’m Ana. I’m friends with Svetlana. Did she invite you, too?”
- To business colleagues, say, “Hello, I’m Pedro. I work in marketing. What department do you work at?”
4
Pay a compliment. Generally, people love to receive compliments. If you want to break the ice and make someone feel good, pay a compliment. Keep compliments sincere and not fake for the sake of trying to impress someone. If you want to start a conversation, you can follow up on your compliment, such as, “I really like your jacket, where did you get it?” or “That’s a great painting, did you paint it?”
- While compliments can be nice, they can also reach a creepy level when pursued heavily, overly-repeated, or overly-given. Stick with one compliment.
5
Ask a question. Asking a question is a great way to an “in” with conversation. If you’re new to a gym, ask where the locker room is, or where you can find a towel, or what exercise class is best. If you’re buying a gift for someone, ask a stranger her opinion on an item. Even asking small questions to people you don’t know can help you boost your confidence in being around strangers. You can ask questions to get to know someone, too.
- Some standard questions to say when you first meet someone are, “Where are you from?” or “What do you do for a living/what do you study in school?” or “What do you do for fun?”
- For more help in asking questions, check out How to Ask Open Ended Questions.
6
Connect on a common bond. There are lots of things that can unite strangers, from working at the same company, sharing a vegetarian diet, having a dog or cat, and living in the same neighborhood. Capitalize on these similarities and strike up a conversation. It feels good to connect with someone you share similarities with, and who knows, maybe you’ll make a new friend.
- If you see someone else with a dog while you’re outside with your own dog, you can stop and ask about the dog. Often people who love animals love to talk about their pets and relate with other people who have a pet.
- You may notice someone’s shirt that’s from the same university you attended, or see someone wearing a sweatshirt that supports the same sports team you love. Ask “When did you go to university?”, “What did you study? and “What activities did you participated in while at school?” There’s plenty to connect you!
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Part 2

Part 2 of 3:

Improving Your Interactions

1
Mirror their expressions. You don’t have to become a copycat, but notice the visual cues the people provide as to how they feel. Read their body language to determine if they feel nervous, scared, stressed, or calm.^{[3]XResearch source} You’ll most likely find that many feel people feel uncomfortable around strangers, much like yourself.
- Once you start paying attention to other people’s body language, you can start responding in an appropriate way that matches their feeling state.
2
Use your own body language. While it’s important to read other people’s visual cues, be aware of your own, too. If you stand in a corner looking down with your arms crossed, it’s unlikely anyone will approach you in conversation. However, if you smile, keep your head up, and have approachable body language, people may feel more at ease with you and welcome a conversation.
- Keep your hands loosely in your lap (if sitting) or comfortably by your sides while standing.^{[4]XResearch source} Fidgeting with your hands may make you appear nervous or bored. If you feel uncomfortable with your hands or arms, hold a drink or food if it is offered.
- If you’re sitting, don’t tightly cross your legs, yet don’t keep them overly splayed. You want to find the “happy medium” of appearing approachable yet not sloppy or disinterested.^{[5]XResearch source} If your legs start to shake, gently cross your legs at the ankles.
3
Practice boundaries. Practice monitoring socially acceptable boundaries. Avoid standing overly close to people and making people feel physically uncomfortable. Also, monitor the give and take of conversations. Don’t overshare personal details or monopolize the conversation. Take turns talking and listening.^{[6]XResearch source}
- If you notice yourself doing more talking than listening, start to ask open-ended questions to allow the other person an opportunity to speak.
- Don’t share overly personal details about your life. While this may be fine (and funny) around friends, keep the personal things about wart removal, your “crazy” sister, and all of your life’s hardships for a more appropriate conversation.
4
Admit your feelings. Sometimes admitting that you feel nervous can break the ice and demonstrate your vulnerability. Being vulnerable is a type of risk-taking you can use to express your true feelings, and it is important to do this to build a relationship. If you’re on a blind date and it’s not flowing, say, “I’m sorry I’ve been acting weird, it’s just that I feel really nervous right now.” Sometimes this can relieve both you and the other person. They may say, “Whew! Good, I’m glad it’s not just me who’s nervous!”
- Admitting your own feelings can make you and the other person more comfortable, and he or she may see that you are relatable.
When you feel uncomfortable, it’s common to put all of your attention on your feelings of discomfort, your awkwardness, and get wrapped up in your own experience. When you notice yourself absorbed in discomfort, turn your attention outward into your surroundings. Notice the setting, observe the people around you, and listen to other people’s conversations. By putting your focus outside of yourself, it’ll help you disengage from negative thoughts.^{[7]XTrustworthy SourceHelpGuideNonprofit organization dedicated to providing free, evidence-based mental health and wellness resources.Go to source}
6
Try not to reject a conversation. If someone strikes up a conversation with you, try imagining that he or she is one of your friends. Give the interaction a chance by engaging the other person, asking questions, and showing interest. If you feel really uncomfortable, end the conversation in as inoffensive way as possible.
- If you need to end a conversation, say, “Thanks for talking. I’m about to leave, but perhaps we will see each other later.” or “I appreciate your time. Goodbye.”
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Part 3

Part 3 of 3:

Changing How You Feel

1
Build your self-confidence. Feeling comfortable around others means feeling comfortable with yourself, too. If you feel insecure in who you are, other people will pick up on that in social interactions.^{[8]XResearch source} Find activities that boost your self-confidence or allow you to develop self-confidence, and know that you can transfer those feelings to your social interactions.
- Maybe you’re an excellent water skier, ballet dancer, or model car builder. If you feel anxious or uncomfortable, tap into the feelings of confidence that other activities give you to help put yourself at ease.
- It can help to practice what you're going to say ahead of time. That might be how to start a conversation or how to join a conversation that's already happening.^{[9]XExpert SourceDonna Novak, Psy.D
  Licensed Clinical PsychologistExpert Interview. 9 December 2020.}
2
Use positive self-talk.^{[10]XResearch source} If you find yourself lost in negative thoughts (“I’ll be so awkward” or “I’m not going to enjoy myself”) notice that you’re engaging a negative thought, then provide a counterpoint. You can say, “I may really enjoy myself, and I give myself permission to have a good time” or “I can work on feeling awkward by practicing new skills.”
- Don’t talk yourself out of going to social events just because you feel uncomfortable. Anytime you are on the fence about going, use positive self-talk to encourage you to go. Think of it as an adventure to push yourself beyond your comfort zone.
- Remember that you’re practicing social ‘’skills’’, not social talents. Give yourself time to adjust to more positive self-talk.
- Instead of focusing on what could go wrong, think about times you were able to successfully connect with someone you didn't know.^{[11]XExpert SourceDonna Novak, Psy.D
  Licensed Clinical PsychologistExpert Interview. 9 December 2020.}
3
Avoid basing your worth on other people’s reactions. Sometimes you get along great with people, and other times you may just not click. If you find yourself not clicking with someone, remember that this is an isolated circumstance, and it doesn’t mean you’re socially awkward, that you’re bad at conversation, or that people don’t like you. If you’re worried about how people will respond to you or if you’ll be judged, remind yourself not to assign heavy value to the opinion’s of others.^{[12]XResearch source}
- Say to yourself, “People’s opinions of me don’t define my identity. They are entitled to their opinions as I am to my own.”
4
Use your breath. If you start feeling anxious around new people, tune into your body, especially your breath. You may notice your breathing quicken or feel more restricted. Slowing down your breathing can help calm your mind.^{[13]XExpert SourceDonna Novak, Psy.D
Licensed Clinical PsychologistExpert Interview. 9 December 2020.}
- Take a deep inhale, hold it for a few seconds, then let the breath leave your body slowly. Repeat as necessary.
5
Relax. Learn to identify your stressful triggers and use relaxation techniques to calm yourself. This is especially helpful before you approach a social situation. Techniques such as meditation and yoga can help calm you down before you meet new people.^{[14]XResearch source}
- When you notice your body tensing up before a social event or meeting, take note of the feelings and learn to relax your body. Notice the tension (perhaps in your shoulders or neck) and consciously release it.
- Have specific techniques you use before you go out to meet new people. If you have to attend a work function, spend a little time before the event in meditation, or go to a yoga class beforehand. Plan out your day so that you can approach the situation in the best possible mindset.
- Remind yourself that the people you're talking to are just people—and they're just as likely to be anxious as you are.^{[15]XExpert SourceDonna Novak, Psy.D
  Licensed Clinical PsychologistExpert Interview. 9 December 2020.}
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Expert Q&A

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Question
How do I stop feeling nervous around someone?
Donna Novak, Psy.D
Licensed Clinical Psychologist
Dr. Donna Novak is a Licensed Clinical Psychologist based in Simi Valley, California. With over ten years of experience, Dr. Novak specializes in treating anxiety and relationship and sex concerns. She holds a BA in Psychology from the University of California, Los Angeles (UCLA) and a doctoral degree (Psy.D) in Clinical Psychology from Alliant International University-Los Angeles. Dr. Novak uses a differentiation model in treatment that focuses on personal growth by increasing self-awareness, personal motivation, and confidence.
Donna Novak, Psy.D
Licensed Clinical Psychologist
Expert Answer
First, remind yourself that most people are feeling insecure around new people, not just you. It's totally normal to be focused on yourself, but everyone else is focused on themselves, too. Secondly, list times in your past where social interactions have gone well to remind yourself you can do this!
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Question
How can I feel more natural when I introduce myself?
Donna Novak, Psy.D
Licensed Clinical Psychologist
Dr. Donna Novak is a Licensed Clinical Psychologist based in Simi Valley, California. With over ten years of experience, Dr. Novak specializes in treating anxiety and relationship and sex concerns. She holds a BA in Psychology from the University of California, Los Angeles (UCLA) and a doctoral degree (Psy.D) in Clinical Psychology from Alliant International University-Los Angeles. Dr. Novak uses a differentiation model in treatment that focuses on personal growth by increasing self-awareness, personal motivation, and confidence.
Donna Novak, Psy.D
Licensed Clinical Psychologist
Expert Answer
Come up with a plan for how you're going to talk to someone new. Just have some idea of the actual language you're going to use to get the conversation going, whether that's how you're going to introduce yourself, how you'll start a conversation, or how you'll join a conversation that's already happening. That can be really helpful for reducing your anxiety.
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Question
How can I stop being so anxious when I talk to new people?
Donna Novak, Psy.D
Licensed Clinical Psychologist
Dr. Donna Novak is a Licensed Clinical Psychologist based in Simi Valley, California. With over ten years of experience, Dr. Novak specializes in treating anxiety and relationship and sex concerns. She holds a BA in Psychology from the University of California, Los Angeles (UCLA) and a doctoral degree (Psy.D) in Clinical Psychology from Alliant International University-Los Angeles. Dr. Novak uses a differentiation model in treatment that focuses on personal growth by increasing self-awareness, personal motivation, and confidence.
Donna Novak, Psy.D
Licensed Clinical Psychologist
Expert Answer
Practicing deep breathing is really huge. When you have a lot of anxiety, your thoughts go really quickly, and you start to breathe really rapidly. It's hard to slow down that overwhelm that's happening in your mind. Take in a really slow deep breath, count to five, and breathe out. That can take that anxiety from an 8 or 9 down to about a 4.
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