How to Help Someone Who Is Grieving

Loss is a fact of life, but it's never easy to cope with the aftermath. Grief can occur after a number of painful life events - death, divorce, or other major life losses. When someone we care about is grieving, we may struggle to find the right words to say. You can be a supportive and helpful friend during this time of grief by simply being present and offering a listening ear. Learn how to help someone you care about travel the difficult road of recovering after a loss.

Method 1

Method 1 of 3:

Showing Concern

1
Express your sorrow or concern. As soon as you learn about the loss, reach out to your friend and let her know you are aware of the situation and that you care. Your friend will be thankful that you acknowledged her pain.^{[1]XResearch source}
- Use your level of closeness with the person to determine how you reach out. For example, if your best friend just lost a family member, it may be appropriate to immediately go over. However, if your coworker lost a spouse, it may be proper form to send an email or call the following day.
Offer to come over and just sit with your friend. Many people find it hard to say the right things after a death or significant loss. However, to your friend, the most important thing is that you are present with her during this difficult time. If your friend cries, encourage her to express her emotions. Rub her back or pull her in close so that she can cry on your shoulder.
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3
Avoid cliches. There are many optimistic platitudes often shared with grievers that are intended to make them feel better. Sadly, most of these statements do nothing to help with mourning and may only enrage or upset mourners. Such statements include the following:
- It was meant to be.
- He/she is in a better place.
- It could have been worse.
- I know how you feel.
- It was God's plan.
4
Stick with the truth. As opposed to dishing out generalized statements about what the person is going through, aim to stick to the facts. Try to put yourself in your friend's shoes emotionally. How would you react to such a loss? How would you want to be comforted?
- Saying something truthful like "I am so shocked" or "I am here with you. I won't leave you." may effectively show your concern while not minimizing or generalizing the situation. Even if you have been through a similar situation, you can't compare grief or pretend that you know what the other person is going through.^{[2]XTrustworthy SourceHelpGuideNonprofit organization dedicated to providing free, evidence-based mental health and wellness resources.Go to source}
5
Listen actively.^{[3]XResearch source} Before you go to see your grieving friend, clear off the rest of your day's calendar so that you can be fully present with her. Let your friend express their feelings in whatever helps. Try to understand and acknowledge what she is feeling.
- A response isn't required unless your friend asks a question. You can merely nod to show you are listening and sit in silence. Turn in her direction. Make eye contact. Squeeze her hand or rub her should when she struggles to speak.
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Method 2

Method 2 of 3:

Being Supportive

^{[4]XTrustworthy SourceHelpGuideNonprofit organization dedicated to providing free, evidence-based mental health and wellness resources.Go to source} Your mourning friend may need help with a variety of tasks the first several days or weeks after a loss. One important and often heartbreaking task is planning a funeral or memorial service for the deceased. Offer your assistance in any way that you can on such a difficult task. Even if you don't make any decisions, your presence may comfort your friend.
Immediately after a devastating loss, everyone your friend knows may be trying to contact him. Volunteer to act as a gatekeeper, relaying certain information to the outside world of extended family, friends, and co-workers. Doing this can shelter your friend from some of those overly optimistic platitudes while giving the family privacy.^{[5]XResearch source}
If your friend lives alone, or the loss left her home alone, offer to stay with him. He might feel uncomfortable sleeping in his home alone or may just be comforted knowing there is someone there to talk to.
4
Assist with household chores or errands.^{[6]XTrustworthy SourceHelpGuideNonprofit organization dedicated to providing free, evidence-based mental health and wellness resources.Go to source} Everyday tasks might fall to the wayside after a serious loss, but these things will still need to be done. Ask your loved one what chores or errands need to be completed. Make a checklist and get started ticking off items.
- Common chores might be paying bills, picking up groceries, sending off or bringing in mail, and cleaning up the home. Just be sure to check first. Your loved one may not want certain personal items touched or rooms disturbed. He or she may want things left how they were before the person died.
5
Organize a meal train. A great way to help out your friend and her whole household is to coordinate with other friends or relatives to set up a meal train. Doing this minimizes the need to have to prepare meals during this time of grief. Below are a few tips to organizing a meal train:^{[7]XResearch source}^{[8]XResearch source}
- Ask your friend if it's okay for you and others to prepare some meals for her
- Find out about any food allergies or intolerances
- Ask everyone involved to be specific in what they will be preparing/bringing
- Offer suggestions to others who are involved, such as buying a restaurant gift card or picking up groceries that include easy-to-fix frozen meals or sandwich/salad ingredients
^{[9]XTrustworthy SourceHelpGuideNonprofit organization dedicated to providing free, evidence-based mental health and wellness resources.Go to source} It might be challenging for your loved one to manage his children or pets after a significant loss. Offer to look after them by picking up the children from school, helping with homework, and making sure they get a warm meal. Take any dog(s) out for a walk and feed the pets as needed.
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Method 3

Method 3 of 3:

Helping with Grief

Seeing your face in a crowd of strangers or distant acquaintances can help your loved one feel stronger, less alone, and more capable of saying goodbye. A funeral or memorial service may help to remind mourners of value of the deceased person's life, views death from a spiritual standpoint, and inspire the living to come to terms with the reality of death. This benchmark is a significant part of the mourning process.^{[10]XResearch source}
2
Help your friend remember the good times they had with this person. If you knew the deceased person, share a story or memory that you have about him or her. If you did not know this person, ask your mourning loved one to tell you a story that helps you understand how special this person was to him.
- Talking about the loss can reassure mourners that even though the person is gone, he or she remains a part of their emotional life. Don't be afraid to say the person's name. Doing so can ease your loved one's worry that his deceased friend or family member will be forgotten.^{[11]XResearch source}
- Look through photo albums or newspaper clippings. Watch old family videos. All of this can help your mourning loved one process the grief.
Though the person has passed it does not mean you can't do things like celebrate their birthday or special anniversaries. If a holiday meant a lot to that person, remember him or her by lighting a candle or revisiting old stories or photos portraying his life. You can even memorialize the deceased on a special day by planting a tree or having a remembrance gathering of family and friends.
In the days and weeks following a loss, your grieving friend may constantly be surrounded by others who care for him. However, over the long haul, people fall back into their regular routines, forgetting that things are never the same in the lives of mourners. Be one of the people that sticks it out and continues to visit with and check on your mourning friend in the months and even years that come after a loss.^{[12]XResearch source}
5
Help your friend have fun again. Take your friend out to do something fun like going to a museum or a movie. This won't make them forget about their sadness but it will help to refocus his mind on something else for a short while. Many mourners feel guilty about laughing or smiling. You can be of service by helping your friend see that it's okay to enjoy life. In fact, his lost loved one would probably want him to be happy and live a full life.
- Don't expect much the first time. Your friend may continue to be sad even when doing exciting activities. However, if you are persistent, you may help him see how nice it is to have fun again.
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Expert Q&A

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Question
How do you accept loss?
Moshe Ratson, MFT, PCC
Marriage & Family Therapist
Moshe Ratson is the Executive Director of spiral2grow Marriage & Family Therapy, a coaching and therapy clinic in New York City. Moshe is an International Coach Federation accredited Professional Certified Coach (PCC). He received his MS in Marriage and Family Therapy from Iona College. Moshe is a clinical member of the American Association of Marriage and Family Therapy (AAMFT), and a member of the International Coach Federation (ICF).
Moshe Ratson, MFT, PCC
Marriage & Family Therapist
Expert Answer
The grief that follows any trauma can happen without warning and may leave us feeling like we are without a foundation. Understand that it may take a long time to recover and be patient.
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Tips

Do not say things such as "It's time to get over it" or "You'll feel better soon". These are very disrespectful comments to make to a mourner.
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Letting a person cry is one of the hardest, and perhaps uncomfortable, things a friend can do for another. Your friend will greatly appreciate you being there during this grieving period.
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Sometimes, the person doesn't want to remember the person who has passed away. This is understandable and it does not mean that they did not love that person.
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Warnings

Your friend may feel suicidal or may start self injuring because of what has happened. Although it is shocking it is a very common response to a death or a break up. Don't let your friend hurt themselves. Remind them that you care about and love them and try to get them help.
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