How to Overcome Jealousy in Marriage

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1Working through Your Own Jealousy

2Communicating with a Jealous Partner

3Improving Your Relationship

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While jealousy is a normal emotion that everyone feels at some point, uncontrolled jealousy can strain personal lives. Jealousy can have an especially negative impact on romantic relationships. Fortunately, whether it's you or your partner that is feeling jealous, this is a problem that can be managed. With some honest, open communication and counseling, you and your significant other can overcome problems of jealousy in your relationship.

Steps

Method 1

Method 1 of 3:

Working through Your Own Jealousy

1. 
   1
   Accept that jealousy is a natural emotion. While it can cause problems, jealousy is still natural and real. There is a reason you're feeling jealous, and getting to the root of it involves accepting those feelings. Suppressing it will only cause more problems later on. Understand that you're a human and are allowed to have emotions. Then you can move on to constructive solutions.
2. 
   2
   Give yourself a chance to calm down before acting on your jealous feelings. Jealousy can cause you to act cold or hostile toward your partner. Rather than acting on these feelings when they arise, give yourself some time to think about your jealousy.

   • Taking a short walk away from the situation is a good method to give yourself time to think.
   • Doing some relaxation and deep breathing exercises can help you calm down and achieve some clarity.
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3. 
   3
   Ask yourself if what you're feeling is rational. Jealousy can sometimes be an irrational emotion. While you're taking a break, think about the situation that caused your feelings. Assess what your partner did, and whether or not it's justified for you to be upset. By asking yourself some questions, you can gain some insight on this issue.

   • If you did what your partner did, would they be upset with you? This is a good indication that your feelings are justified.
   • Has your partner done something that threatens you or your relationship? If yes, then your feelings are rational and you should plan on discussing the issue as soon as possible.
   • If, however, your partner was engaging in normal behavior, like having a friendly conversation with a coworker, then your feelings may be irrational. Talk with your partner and understand the situation better.
   • Your jealousy may be correct as well. If your partner seems uncomfortable or tries to ignore your questions, you may have a right to be suspicious of their behavior.
4. 
   4
   Figure out if your own insecurities are causing your jealousy. Feelings of jealousy sometimes come from your past or your insecurities. In this case, your partner probably isn't trying to hurt you, but their actions did remind you of these insecurities. Take a minute and think about your insecurities. Has your partner's normal actions reminded you of them?

   • Perhaps a former partner was unfaithful. As a result, you feel like you can't trust your current partner. In this case, you should ask yourself if you're angry with your partner because their actions reminded you of a past heartbreak. In this case, understand that these feelings are coming from you.
5. 
   5
   Assess whether your relationship expectations are realistic. Jealousy can sometimes come from unrealistic relationship expectations. You can't expect that your partner will cut off all contact with other people because of your relationship. This is unrealistic and unhealthy.

   • For example, it's unrealistic for you to expect that your partner will never talk to someone they're attracted to again. Your husband might have female coworkers and friends, and it's normal for him to talk to these women.
   • It is, however, realistic to expect that your partner won't flirt with other people. This would definitely be a justified reason to be upset and jealous.
6. 
   6
   Communicate your feelings to your partner in a calm and specific way. Whether your feelings are justified or not, you have to communicate with your partner constructively. Be very honest and clearly explain why you're upset.

   • Begin this conversation calmly, saying: "I want to explain why I got jealous before."
   • Be as specific as possible when explaining your feelings. Statements like "You always do this" are vague and don't give your partner a clear idea of what they did wrong. Instead, say: "When you talked to that woman I didn't know at the party before, I felt ignored."
   • Remember to avoid hostility while you explain your feelings. Attacking your partner will put them on the defensive, and your chances of a productive conversation will drop.
   • Do not leave hints and expect your partner to understand why you're upset. Be open and clear about your feelings.
7. 
   7
   Avoid accusing your partner until you have all the facts. In the course of your conversation, you should understand the situation that caused your jealousy. It's possible that there is a reason to be suspicious, but it's also possible that you reacted without having all the information first. There may be a misunderstanding here that led to your anger. Before reacting, consider all the possibilities, and then ask your partner to explain the situation.

   • Perhaps your husband started talking to a woman at a party that you don't know. You assume he's flirting and immediately you become jealous and angry at him. But then you find out that this is an old family friend that your husband hasn't seen in years, you realize you misunderstood the situation.
   • In this example, you could have avoided anger by considering all the logical reasons your husband was talking to this woman before assuming the worst case scenario.
8. 
   8
   Explain your triggers to your partner. It's natural for you to have some triggers that upset you or make you feel jealous. Don't assume that your partner knows all of them. If something particular peaks your jealousy, state this to your partner. Explain that you don't like it when your partner does this, and would appreciate it if they didn't.

   • Again, remember to be specific. A clear statement like "It makes me feel jealous when you compliment other women" is a good place to start.
   • Explain why these particular triggers touch off your jealousy. For example, if a past partner was unfaithful to you, you should explain that this is why you have trouble trusting your current partner.
   • Remember that your triggers still may not be reasonable. For example, if you are always triggered when your spouse talks to the opposite sex, this isn't reasonable because then he wouldn't be able to talk to friends or coworkers. Work out with your spouse how you can address unreasonable triggers.
9. 
   9
   Work on your own self esteem. Your own insecurities can make feelings of jealousy worse. Sometimes, the roots of your jealousy don't come from your partner at all, but your own self esteem issues. Making some improvements in your own self esteem can be a big help in feeling secure about yourself and overcoming jealousy.

   • Focusing on a positive outlook is important for improving your self esteem. Rather than always thinking about the worst thing that can happen, replace these negative thoughts with optimism.
   • Improving your health and fitness can be a big boost to your self esteem. Try eating healthier and exercising regularly. These activities not only improve your health, but can reduce your stress and anxiety.
   • Enjoy your accomplishments! Don't downplay the things you've done, no matter how small. Celebrating your accomplishments is a great way to promote a positive mental attitude.
10. 
    10
    Avoid trying to get back at your partner. There is nothing constructive about being vindictive and trying to get revenge in your relationship. Purposely doing things that make your partner upset or jealous won't solve anything. Instead, communicate your needs and talk through your issues.

    • For example, if you're convinced your partner was flirting with another woman, it won't help if you go flirt with someone to get back at your partner. Instead, have an open conversation about your feelings.
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Method 2

Method 2 of 3:

Communicating with a Jealous Partner

1. 
   1
   Listen to your partner when they explain their feelings. If your partner communicates their jealousy to you, listen. Avoiding the issue or walking away will leave the issue unresolved. Be open to an honest conversation with your partner about their feelings.

   • When your partner starts to tell you about their jealousy, sit down and take their feelings seriously. If your partner feels like you aren't understand, it will make the situation worse.
   • Don't interrupt your partner. Allow them to explain themselves before you talk.
2. 
   2
   Remain calm. Even if your partner doesn't communicate in the most constructive way, you should remain cool and avoid hostility. Take a break if you feel yourself losing your patience and take some time to relax.

   • Becoming defensive usually doesn't solve an issue. It often leads to a worse argument.
   • If you aren't making progress, suggest talking about the issue later when you've both calmed down.
3. 
   3
   Ask what you did that upset your partner. In the course of your discussion, you should ask for a clear explanation of what you did that caused your partner's jealousy. Discuss why this action upset your partner and how you can avoid it in the future.

   • Do not act hostile or cut your partner off during their explanation. This will prevent you from gaining the insight you need.
   • Make it clear that you want to understand the situation. Say: "Could you please explain what I did that upset you?" Then allow your partner to finish explaining.
   • Remember that asking for an explanation can sometimes be an argumentative tactic that delays an actual conversation. It's important to listen to what your partner is saying, and stop asking for further explanation when they've explained the issue enough for you to understand.
4. 
   4
   Put yourself in your partner's shoes. Your partner may be entirely justified in feeling jealous. After your partner has explained their concerns, do some honest reflection. Were you being respectful of your partner's feelings when you committed this action?

   • A useful tool is asking yourself if you would have been upset if your partner did the same thing you did. If the answer is yes, it's a good indication that you crossed the line.
5. 
   5
   Work with your partner to understand their triggers. All people are unique and respond to the world differently. Your partner probably has a particular set of triggers that cause their jealous feelings. Assuming these triggers are legitimate, and not the result of paranoia, then you can do your part by understanding and avoiding those triggers.

   • You shouldn't assume that you know exactly what upsets your partner. Don't be afraid to clearly ask what your partner's triggers are.
   • Discuss your partner's triggers on a case by case basis. Remember that even if your partner clearly explains his triggers, they can still be unreasonable triggers. If your partner never wants you to talk to the opposite sex, this is an unreasonable demand. Communicate this to your partner.
   • If your partner's triggers are unreasonable, suggest he work on desensitizing himself to them with a mental health professional.
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Method 3

Method 3 of 3:

Improving Your Relationship

1. 
   1
   Use positive feedback. Jealousy often involves partners criticizing each other. Instead, you can build affection and trust with positive feedback.

   • Compliment your partner if they do something that makes you happy. This will flip the discussion away from negativity and hostility.
   • This works both ways. For example, if your partner compliments your outfit, thank them for the compliment. This shows that you're both paying attention to each other's feelings.
2. 
   2
   Set up days for dates. Couples need to enjoy each other's company. If you've been dealing with issues of jealousy in your relationship, you probably haven't spent much time just enjoying each other's company. Build your relationship back up with enjoyable activities that bring you closer together.

   • Remember that activities don't have to be expensive or extravagant to build your relationship. A simple walk in the park or some quiet time spent talking can be great boosts for trust and intimacy.
3. 
   3
   Consider cognitive behavioral therapy. If you or your partner's jealous feelings are irrational or you're simply having trouble working through the issue yourselves, then professional counseling may be required. Cognitive behavioral therapy focuses on improving a patient's outlook and coping methods. It has been used effectively against many issues, including jealousy, and may be exactly what you need to overcome your jealousy.

   • Therapy can sometimes take time to have an effect. Remember to be consistent with your sessions and follow your therapist's advice. Results won't happen overnight, but in time you can improve your mental outlook and attitude.
4. 
   4
   Attend marriage counseling. Since couples involve more than one person, you might require a counseling solution that includes both of you. Marriage counseling can help you both work through your issues constructively.

   • Remember to be honest if you attend counseling together. Your counselor needs all the information in order to help you and your partner. If you hide things or criticize your partner in sessions, the therapy won't work.
   • Follow through on the counselor's advice. Some of the counselor's suggestions may seem strange to you, but remember this is a professional. Attending sessions and using the counselor's methods at home can help your marriage tremendously.
5. 
   5
   Leave the relationship if it is abusive. Unfortunately, uncontrolled jealousy can be a sign of an abusive relationship. If your partner's actions pair with other signs of abuse, then you should leave as soon as possible. You aren't responsible for fixing an abusive partner, and you could be in danger if you stay in this relationship.

   • There are many warning signs of abuse in a relationship, and you may be in an abusive relationship without even realizing it. If your partner manipulates you through guilt, is hyper critical of your appearance or actions, tries to isolate you from friends and family, and calls or texts constantly when you're out, these are all indications that your partner is emotionally abusive.
   • If your partner gets physical or violent, you are in danger and should leave the relationship. For a list of hotlines and support in different countries, visit https://www.helpguide.org/articles/abuse/domestic-violence-and-abuse.htm
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Expert Q&A

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• Question

  How can I stop feeling jealous and insecure?

  

  Moshe Ratson, MFT, PCC
  Marriage & Family Therapist

  Moshe Ratson is the Executive Director of spiral2grow Marriage & Family Therapy, a coaching and therapy clinic in New York City. Moshe is an International Coach Federation accredited Professional Certified Coach (PCC). He received his MS in Marriage and Family Therapy from Iona College. Moshe is a clinical member of the American Association of Marriage and Family Therapy (AAMFT), and a member of the International Coach Federation (ICF).

  

  Moshe Ratson, MFT, PCC

  Marriage & Family Therapist

  Expert Answer

  Communicate openly and honestly with your partner so you can discuss how you're feeling.

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  Not Helpful 0Helpful 1
• Question

  How do I go on more dates with my partner?

  

  Moshe Ratson, MFT, PCC
  Marriage & Family Therapist

  Moshe Ratson is the Executive Director of spiral2grow Marriage & Family Therapy, a coaching and therapy clinic in New York City. Moshe is an International Coach Federation accredited Professional Certified Coach (PCC). He received his MS in Marriage and Family Therapy from Iona College. Moshe is a clinical member of the American Association of Marriage and Family Therapy (AAMFT), and a member of the International Coach Federation (ICF).

  

  Moshe Ratson, MFT, PCC

  Marriage & Family Therapist

  Expert Answer

  Try planning your dates ahead with your partner. Schedule dates into your calendar so you remember to go on them.

  Thanks! We're glad this was helpful.
  Thank you for your feedback.
  If How.com.vn has helped you, please consider a small contribution to support us in helping more readers like you. We’re committed to providing the world with free how-to resources, and even $1 helps us in our mission.Support How.com.vn

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• Question

  How do I stop feeling less desirable than my partner?

  

  Moshe Ratson, MFT, PCC
  Marriage & Family Therapist

  Moshe Ratson is the Executive Director of spiral2grow Marriage & Family Therapy, a coaching and therapy clinic in New York City. Moshe is an International Coach Federation accredited Professional Certified Coach (PCC). He received his MS in Marriage and Family Therapy from Iona College. Moshe is a clinical member of the American Association of Marriage and Family Therapy (AAMFT), and a member of the International Coach Federation (ICF).

  

  Moshe Ratson, MFT, PCC

  Marriage & Family Therapist

  Expert Answer

  Focus on building up your self-esteem. With more confidence, you'll be able to see that you're just as attractive and desirable as your partner.

  Thanks! We're glad this was helpful.
  Thank you for your feedback.
  If How.com.vn has helped you, please consider a small contribution to support us in helping more readers like you. We’re committed to providing the world with free how-to resources, and even $1 helps us in our mission.Support How.com.vn

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